...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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