I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
