why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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