Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
