theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
