Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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