don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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