I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I need a beard to bite.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
