His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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