i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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