I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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