did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
