a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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