Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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