I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
