if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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