Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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