my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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