Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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