Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
