Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
