How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
