just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
