So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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