Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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