I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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