I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
