I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
