it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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