I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
