that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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