just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
