the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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