dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
