Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
