And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
