I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
