Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
