I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
