she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My balls are so social today.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
