i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
