Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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