I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
