3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
