he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
