watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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