You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just had sex bonerless
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
