**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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