I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
