I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
