Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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